To love a narcissist....

I write a series on my instagram page @jroachwrites called "To love a narcissist". Sometimes people think narcissism is limited to romantic relationships. However, a narcissist can be a mother, sister, dad, brother, child, spouse or just a friend. I think the first step of separating yourself from these people comes with recognizing them for who they are and making a decision to remove them from your life. This article is dedicated to showing you, through my writings, situations and traits embodied in narcissistic relationships so you can begin your road to recovery today!

Narcissists have conflicting issues when developing relationships. They like to surround themselves with people they consider above others because the narcissist himself believes he is above others and would not have someone "lower on the totem pole" as his mate, friend, or child. To hold a place in their life, you must be superior as well. However, a narcissist also needs to be able to control and manipulate the people around him. Since a narcissist is drawn to someone with superior attributes, then they need to devalue that person in order to gain this control. The key to understanding you are dealing with a narcissist is to see through his attempts to make you feel unworthy and unwanted not only of him but anyone else. He knows you have value that's why he wanted you in the first place, he just doesn't want YOU to believe you have value or you would never stay with someone like him.

*all pronouns used are intended to be gender neutral

Narcissists aren't capable of selfless love. They don't even love themselves. If you pay attention to the things a narcissists loves about you, they are always related to the traits you have that appease the narcissist. In short, they love the way you love them, but don't truly love you as an individual independent of them. This is because narcissist believe your value is largely based on your effect on their lives. Without them you are irrelevant.

In the beginning, a narcissist will be perceived as very loving and tends to overpraise and dote on you. They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel like you are on top of the world. It isn't until they secure their position in your life and you are all in that you start seeing that pedestal for what it is...a scaffold. Remember what I said about about your value being tied to the narcissist, well at this point he or she has convinced you of the same thing, you are nothing without them. From that point on, they take great pleasure in building you up just to watch you fall. One minute they make you feel like a Queen, the next they have you begging for forgiveness or for their attention for some perceived slight against them. This yo-yo behavior takes a toll on even the strongest individual. It wears them down and becomes their new normal.

The outside world often has little respect for you at that point. They either have been convinced by the narcissist that you are "crazy", or they can't understand if it is that bad why you don't leave. The narcissist has done well isolating you this way so that no one is there but them to catch you when you fall, and you bizarrely forget they were the ones that kicked the chair from beneath you to begin with.

I will continue writing about narcissists in future blog posts, subscribe to my blog at www.jroachwrites.com to learn more about narcissistic behavior and how to cut ties with a narcissist.